Rooted in Community: A context for mourning.

What struck me, in the aftermath of the tragic passing of Eric Kippers, were the levels of engagement that our community had with grief in general and with Eric in particular. For some of those in our community, Eric’s loss is like an amputation. Fresh, powerful, immediate…. For others, it has been more empathetic, in that their hearts went out to those they know who are affected and the realization of what Eric’s family, friends and surrounding community are feeling. And for yet others, there is a vague bewilderment regarding what all the fuss is about. It doesn’t touch their world. Talk of grief does not connect with their own emotional vocabulary. Not their pain…. Not their issue…. 

In the last half of Romans 12, the apostle Paul issues what could be considered a bullet point list of does and don’ts for living the Christian life rooted in community. Verse 15 states “ Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn”. There is a whole lot more to this verse than first meets the eye.

What does it actually mean to mourn with those who mourn? What does it mean to make someone else’s pain your own? What does it mean to enter into someone else’s suffering and to identify with it, even if you know that you have no idea what it is actually like?

As one of my colleagues wryly quipped recently “It is so much easier being shallow… “.

There is much that could be said and written. Here is a very short list.

·  Be there. They are not looking for answers. Not really. Probably not from you, anyway. They are just looking for you.

·   Listen. Invite them to talk about their loved one.

·   Be patient. Be ok with pain that you can’t relieve or take away.

·   Be ok with messy.

·   Did I mention patience? Grow in patience. We often want the grieving person ‘to get on with it’ more for our benefit than for theirs.

·   Allow for pain and anger – however misplaced.

·   It’s not a broken record. It is a long road up a mountain, complete with switchbacks.

·   It’s not about you. Be ok with the person not wanting to talk about it right then.

Grief is powerful, random and bewildering. God has ordained mourning ( the tangible expression of grief) as a pathway through it. And He has placed us in community. Biblical community is the God ordained context in which mourning can be properly done. I would actually be bold enough to suggest that the ability of a community to allow mourning and create a healing environment in which those who grieve can heal and grow is an indicator of its maturity, and even its legitimacy. I would be even more bold to suggest that it is true at the level of the individual, as well.

Eric’s tragic passing is a powerful learning opportunity . As I mentioned in Chapel, it is in response to such tragedies that the Body of Christ rises to its magnificent best. After identifying my son’s body in the morgue, a grief counselor cornered me and asked me if I had any support. Support….? I told him right then and there “Man, you have no idea..” But as it turned out, neither did I. Christ’s community was simply incredible!

And we are all part of it.